Backseat Drivers

There’s nothing like a long family drive to somewhere new to energise the back seat driver in the car as a recent long drive for a family holiday in Scotland reminded me.

A backseat driver is a person who gives unwanted or unneeded advice. The term backseat driver can literally mean someone who advises a driver unnecessarily on where or how to drive.

More often, a backseat driver sits in the front seat, right next to the driver. This could be a spouse or friend that might comment on the speed at which one drives a car or the lack of adherence to the rules of the road. A spousal backseat driver could instead make little moans or shrieks about a driving experience. Again, advice of the backseat driver is unwanted and often unwarranted.

A survey conducted back in 2018 revealed that 70% (only 70!!) of Brits found backseat drivers annoying, with many stating their partners were the worst offenders. 5% admitted to jumping a red light.

I wondered whether driverless cars would sound a death knell to the back seat driver but I must admit I suspect not and so the driverless car programmer will have to program the driverless car to respond to the usual comments like:-

Red light, red light – Please be reassured this car has been fitted with colour recognition cameras and can spot red lights. The on-board computer spotted the red light 0.93 seconds ago and has already programmed our safe stop at the red light. For your information the traffic light was made in 2017 and so the red light will change in exactly 3 minutes time.

Aren’t we a bit close to the car in front, its not 3 double decker buses gap, we don’t to be in their boot– The length of a double decker bus is 45 feet and the speed we are going we would comfortably stop and not hit the car in front. If you would like to re-program my gap distance please select the command from the settings menu.

Do you know what the speed limit is here, I think we should slow down for the locals ? According to my maps the speed limit here is 30 mph. It is a clear road ahead and there have been no fatalities on the road in last 10 years. In 2018 the council asked the locals if they wanted to reduce the speed limit to 20 but it was not requested by them.

You should have gone the other way, I know a short cut? My route planner is programmed to give us the optimum route to our current location. I am happy to turn around and follow your short cut but I warn you I will turn off my voice system if you get us lost and swear at me saying that it is the cars fault that we are either lost or late. I have been programmed to do a very good impersonation of a pissed off driver.

You were a bit close to that cyclist/pedestrian ….. Nick my programmer spent 6 months working solely on algorithms to predict how cyclists and pedestrians re-act under certain conditions,times of the day, amount of sun light so trust me we were a safe distance. FYI Nick has also programmed me to deal with giving extra space on a Friday and Saturday night to factor in people who might be drunk i.e. are they swaying, do they have vomit down their fronts, are they eating a donor kebab, are they saying “I really love you ” to the person next to them.

What’s the rush, we’re not in a hurry? My route planner is currently programmed for us to arrive at 17.00 to your chosen location. I am happy to turn arrive later if you want to tell me a new time but I warn you I will turn off my voice system if you swear at me saying that it is the cars fault that we are arriving later than 17.00 . I have been programmed to do a very good impersonation of a pissed off driver.