Scotland

Having spent some time on the Black Isles of Scotland recently it did get me thinking how driverless cars would cope in Scotland.

With all the on-board cameras it would nice to think that the driverless car would also be able to take in all the amazing  scenery it would be driving through. Although this could lead to accidents if the driverless cars decides to indulge in a bit of Nessie spotting as it drives by Loch Ness.

The amazing scenery might mean the driverless car stopping in lots of laybys. This could cause a problem in certain laybys as the cars on-board system may be confused with a horrible clanking sound which it knows  is  definitely nothing to do with an engine/exhaust problem and its on-board cameras are telling it that it is emanating from a piped object being held by a bloke in a skirt in the layby!!. Unfortunately some programmer will need to update the cars on-board system to not only recognise kilts but to also recognise the range of sounds that can emanate from a bagpipe. I expect by the time the programmer gets to the line of code asking if the bag pipe/bagpipe player are a danger to the car occupants you can easily see them saying “Yes” and as a result the car taking pro- active steps to avoid  any type of bagpipe whilst travelling around Scotland.        

Talking about looking after the wellbeing of its occupants the driverless car might also monitor objects that they bring on-board. As such it might be confused as to whether to allow bottles of Irn Bru on board now that they have a health warning on the side of them . How will the on-board systems also cope with deep fried mars bars and haggis that don’t have health warnings on them but probably should according to the cars systems information that is has on them.   

Another joy of Scotland is the ability to go wild camping. So  a driverless camper van would definitely fit the bill as it could home in on the various wild camping forum websites and drive you to all the recommended ones. Although occupant safety might also play a part as the cleanliness of the laybys it chooses for you to stay at might raise alarm bells for both and occupants  as one council  ordered trowels to be left in 90 laybys in parts of the Highlands to help tackle problems with outdoor toileting!!. Also the camper van would need to know that not all laybys in Scotland are suitable for wild camping i.e. certain parts of Glasgow which might be more wild west than wild highland.

Talking of Glasgow, Glaswegian owners /occupants form part of a wider issue for driverless car programmers as Glaswegian is another accent/dialect that the car will need to understand what is being said to it and possibly need a converse in Glaswegian option for the car as well.    

You cannot cover an article on Scotland without the need for the driverless car to be able to spot a midge or more importantly a swarm of midges. The car will need to go into battle stations ensuring that the wee beasties are kept at bay from the occupants where possible i.e. windows go up and are locked in place . The car may also need to warm up the occupants that one of them might need to take over the driving as the midges descend on the car covering all of its optical devices.    

If you watch any car program on TV or read any car magazine they are always taking sports cars to Scotland for their road trips as they have the best driving roads. I reckon a future bucket list event will be to hire a driverless Ferrari/Porsche/Lamborghini and ensure it has a “Stig” driver option. Take the car up to Scotland and then scare yourself witless by sticking it into “Stig” mode for it to tackle the greatest driving roads Scotland has to offer.